This is Pouty McPouterson here July 11, 2008

That’s right I am not in the greatest of moods today. This is probably due to the fact that it is Friday and 82º and sunny outside and I am INSIDE…staring at a computer screen. Poopy. Because of this, slightly annoying things that I would normally brush off are now exponentially more annoying today.

 

I will focus solely on the one annoying incident of this morning that put me over the edge and caused me to sit in my office with a look on my face that says, “Don’t you DARE come near me and try to strike up a conversation because it is quite possible that you will get your head bitten off.” There is a young girl I work with who recently graduated from college and just happens to be my boss’s daughter.

 

First, some background info to explain my semi-dislike for her. She is getting married this summer and OMG it is only the best wedding taking place in Seattle this summer! It is at the BEST reception hall, has the BEST wedding planners, the BEST wedding cake, themed drinks, and sand imported from Hawaii!! Oh, and did I mention she had to get two wedding gowns because the one for the ceremony is too heavy because she’s a size negative two and she can’t wear it for too long or she literally passes out from the sheer weight of it. Oh, and, also, Chuckles isn’t invited so I have to go by myself and it’s a black tie affair and I can’t find a dress. Oh, and she has gotten a series of Mercedes that she just keeps crashing, except a month ago she exchanged her Mercedes convertible for a Volkswagen and it’s RED and she likes drive it around during lunch and talk for an hour about how cute she looks when she drives it.

 

Annnywaaay this morning she was, oh, I don’t know, four hours late to work? I guess it pays to be the boss’s daughter. Daddy, are you reading this? Since I might potentially work for you one day can I only work when I feel like it? Anyway, she was late because she had been in line since 5 am for her new iphone. When she got in she had to run in and show everybody how unbelievably CUTE it is! Look at it! Look at it! What she really means is, “Look at ME! How Cute am I?!” I guess I should be glad because she’s not calling my cute little civic trash or asking me if my hair will always be that color or will it fade because it would be better if it would fade or asking me how I got to be so weird. Since she got in she’s been messing with it on her laptop instead of working - this is why I have zero loyalty to this company and have zero guilt about reading blogs while at work. She gets paid to socialize and work why not me too? Really my irritation with her today is a result of my distress at having to go to her wedding by myself. Given that there’s an open bar the evening might end in my getting fired, but I have a month to come up with a plan to get the hell out of it…even though I already RSVP’d.

 

So I was thinking today what would I be like if I had a rich daddy who would buy anything my little heart desired because he had no interest in teaching me the importance of responsibility. Here’s my list:

 

The shoes and purse are from Piperlime, the necklace and sweater are from Banana Republic, and the dress is from Nordstrom. I wonder if there’s anybody out there who would be willing to buy them for me. I would make you some very yummy chocolate chip cookies.

Update: I kinda feel bad now because she is now doing part of my job for me and she was surprisingly very sweet about it…but I don’t take anything back! You can not win me over with flattery. That’s actually a lie I am easily won over by flattery. I’m sorry I’m a liar.

Tits McGee needs help! June 19, 2008

Somebody thinks I’m funny!! This is so exciting. My friend, Tits McGee (her name isn’t really Tits McGee, but she gets mad when I call her that and, well, this is my blog and I can call her whatever I want), asked me (and Chuckles) to try and think of a funny t-shirt design for a camp she goes to with a bunch of high school aged Christian kids. That’s right - it has to be “appropriate” because they love J.C. I think she was really just asking Chuckles because he is the king of one-liners, but she couldn’t exactly ask my boyfriend without asking me, but I’ll just keep pretending she thinks I’m funny. The problem is I am not actually funny so I think I might let her down. Plus the few ideas I have had so far might be construed as inappropriate. For example, I thought she could put a picture of Jesus on the front of the shirt and below him it would say, “Jesus hates [Insert rival team name here].” And on the back of the shirt it would say, “I would know.” Get it?! Because they’re all tight with Jesus and everything. My other idea is on the front of the shirt it would say, “For a good time call 867-5309.” And on the back of the shirt it would say, “Actually, you should call [Insert Tits McGee's phone number here].” I figured it’s a good marketing tool for Tits because she’s single despite being worthy of the name Tits McGee. I actually stole the idea from her because about two years ago when I moved into my Seattle apartment she gave me a Frisbee with my phone number on it that I could “accidentally” throw at cute boys. But I’m not 100% sure she wants a bunch of high school kids wearing shirts with her phone number on the back. My last idea was just a simple, “Go fuck yourself San Diego.” This is because I found out today that Anchorman 2 is in the works. God, I love Ron Burgundy. But I think swear words might be considered inappropriate. So that’s all I got. Maybe, “Jesus is my homie”? Or has that already been done? Ideas? Anybody? 

I am showing great restraint May 30, 2008

It turns out I might have more willpower than I thought. I thought I had ZERO. But the Nordstrom half-yearly sale is going on and the one other than read blogs is shop. I don’t actually buy anything…well at least not too often. I just daydream about how cute I would be if I was rich and how much I hate people with money who have no taste. HATE. Because I have taste and I am generous and I Deserve to have money. You, dear reader, should also want me to have money because then I could quit work and blog ALL the time. Also, because of my generous spirit, I would have give-aways all the time. And I wouldn’t give away crap like a smelly Meganator shirt, but I would give away GOOD stuff. Like wine and trips to Paris and Louboutins to every girl who told me I was pretty. It’s not so much that I am generous as I am not below paying people to read my blog and be my friend. Anyway, like I was saying, I should be made of money, but, unfortunately, I am not. This means that I must control my never-ending urge to buy more clothes and more shoes and more jewelry. I am guessing you all must be feeling so sorry for me right now, but not sorry enough to send me money? So I will show you what I did NOT buy at the sale so you will fully understand how tragic this situation is and send me money so I can be Sartorialist worthy. Even small amounts of money make a difference. If you can only send $100 - I understand.

That’s right! I am STRONG. I Don’t own any of these. Now I am going to go cry.

Who needs a swimsuit when I can wear a dress? May 20, 2008

I thought I would start packing for my trips this morning before work because that is called being Organized and Practical. Both qualities that my life could use more of. Unfortunately, I became sidetracked while sorting through all the swimsuits that I have collected over the last several years. Which one to bring became the most important decision I have ever faced. Not to mention I couldn’t find any matching parts. As in I found the Purple tankini top, but not the matching bottom. Although I did find the brown bottom with embroidered flowers…but not the top. If I combined the two could I somehow make it into a fashion forward swimsuit and start a new craze? No, that’s as silly as trying to bring legwarmers back. As I was contemplating this dilemma I realized that no matter what swimsuit I bring I have a feeling that the twins might be overexposed…I have never been able to find tops that fit. This is the part of my blog where I inform my devoted readers that I am not exactly proportional. I don’t want to overshare or anything, but my chestal region is bit bigger than it should be. This causes all sorts of problems, mainly involving swimsuits and dresses not fitting right, so more often than not I find myself settling. Luckily this morning, as I was reflecting on how once again a summer of me sporting what I consider to be an overabundance of cleavage was starting, I remembered a news story I saw last year involving a start-up company by a dad who felt like there weren’t any appropriate swimsuits for his home-schooled girls. The company is called Wholesome Wear and I ordered the culottes swimsuit. I made it a rush order and told them that I was going on vacation with heathens and needed to set a good example. I was thinking about getting the skirted swimsuit as well. Thoughts?

Me look pretty April 29, 2008

Do you ever have those days where you feel like the universe has it out for you? I’ve been feeling that way lately - like I can do nothing right. But then, this morning, my hair looked really pretty and it still does three hours after styling it! And even though I have a midterm today that I am not completely prepared for the good hair makes up for it. I’m also wearing a really ratty old sweater today because I didn’t have time to unpack and, therefore, was too stressed to put together a cute outfit, but the good hair makes me feel ok with it. In fact the good hair makes me feel alright with the universe - as in its ok that millions of people are starving and dying of AIDS. All I am really saying here is that I am quite vain. I’m really hoping this turns into good hair week. Like I was saying earlier the universe has it out for me and is going to try and push me over the edge throughout the month of May. I am going out of town every weekend except one, I have four papers to write, and twenty pounds to lose. But if I can just have good hair throughout the month I just KNOW I can handle it all - take that Universe! You can’t keep me down! Unless, of course, you make my hair frizzy or my skin breakout, but you didn’t hear me say that. Nope, I am Strong. Hear me Roar! Not really, I am quite weak - you can easily keep me down, but I am not above pity. So all I’m asking is for you to make my life easy because you feel sorry for me. That’s not too much to ask right? Universe? Are you even listening to me?!

 

On another note, our hotel room this weekend had a knife sharpener in it. Odd right?

Hot Coffee, Hotter Baristas April 21, 2008

Last weekend we had our one day of sun and warmth. It was a much different weekend than what we encountered this weekend:

 

Anyway, given the weather last weekend we had to capitalize on it so we got up early and went up north to look at the tulip fields. Since I don’t function well if I have to get up before noon on the weekend (and when I say I don’t function well I mean I’ve lost all my motor skills) so I insisted we stop for coffee on our way there. I was thinking Starbuck’s so I could support the corporate machine it has become, but convenience required we stop at Hot Coffee, Hotter Baristas (Chuckles was driving). I have always wondered about these coffee stands popping up everywhere that advertise hot baristas wearing lingerie and even worry about them in the winter months - I mean I hope they have enough space heaters. I also wonder how they can be so successful because they are completely alienating 50% of their customer base…but I guess that many more guys need their morning fix of titties. Anyway, I was curious to see what this barista would look like (although I’m not sure why, it’s not that hard to figure out). But when we got there my little civic was so low and since I was in the passenger seat I couldn’t see anything - it was quite upsetting. But, luckily I have a very generous boyfriend who gave me a play by play: “She’s wearing a mini-skirt from American eagle - I can see the eagle. I can see her underwear. It’s a g-string. It’s pink. Why don’t you ever wear pink underwear?” He got kind of distracted by the underwear. It also got to be somewhat awkward because when she handed my coffee to him she said, “Here you go sweetie.” Me: “Can she not see me?!” Chuckles: “Women can’t resist my charm.” Since I was paying with my credit card I thought she might figure out I was in the car, but she handed it back to Chuckles and once again said, “Here you go sweetie.” Me: “She does realize that it is not your credit card, right? Megan is not a boy’s name. This is problematic - it seems like it would be very easy to commit credit card fraud here. I don’t like it, we’re not coming back.” Although, the coffee was pretty good…but I’ve given up coffee so I am definitely not going back. 

 

I don’t think there are enough sequins April 18, 2008

So I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I made a trip to Value Village - Chuckles likes to look through the t-shirts there. Usually I just look through the books, but this particular Value Village didn’t have much of a selection.  I figured I would take a look through their tops - hopefully find a discarded Banana Republic blouse…or, even better, a Marc Jacobs dress.  Of course, I had no such luck, BUT I did find this…well, I’m not really sure how to describe it.  At first I called it a cape, but I have since decided it is more of a poncho. A sequined poncho. It was only $5 and I didn’t buy it…because I am a moron. But it might still be there…Anyway, I took pictures because I knew my description of it would not do it justice:

 

And the close-up:

 

I was thinking I could wear it for Halloween, but I’m not sure what I would be. Do you think one of the Golden Girls would have worn it? Maybe I could be some sort of superhero with it - whatever I am I think it should involve a martini.

I want pointy boobs too!! April 4, 2008

I went shopping with my sister last weekend for new shoes (my most favoritest thing in the world).  And I was going to be strong and JUST buy shoes because I am now building up debt and I’m saving up for a vacay in December.  But Erin just HAD to return something at Ann Taylor Loft and I just happened to see a very cute dress. 

 My first reaction was that dress would look horrible on me…sad, oh well…Let’s go get shoes!  But then my stupid sister was all like, “Just try it on!  Just for shits and giggles!”  (She didn’t really say that – she never swears.)  So I tried it on, my sister is very bossy and loud…I do whatever she tells me to, and the dress was a-dorable!  But, still, I was going to be strong and not buy it.  Then Erin said, “Oh, buy it – you can always return it!”  I would never ever return a dress that looked good on me, but the logic seemed to make sense in the store while I was staring at the dress with hungry eyes.  Now I have a new dress to wear to the multitude of weddings that I will be forced to go to this summer and the memorial day winery party at Lake Chelan that Chuckles’ very nice boss invited us to.  When Chuckles told Linda I got a new dress her response was something along the lines of, “Oh, that’s nice.  But it won’t be as cool as my dress because I’m going to bring back pointy Madonna boobs.”  G*ddamnit!  I hate being outdone!  I must wear something equally ridiculous so I was thinking of this:

  

Thoughts?

Teehee - I peegled! March 28, 2008

I’m so excited – I bought a new purse online yesterday!  How cute is it?!  I got it at www.amiciaccessories.com – they have a lot of cute clutches and this one was on sale.  I love how girly the lace makes it, but the orangie-red color makes it so it’s not over the top.  I can’t wait til it’s summer here and I can wear it with a white summer dress, brown gladiator sandals, and a brown belt slung over my waist.  Just as soon as it stops SNOWING here!  Aaaarrgghhh!

Also, talking of exciting things to buy, I am going to buy George Saunders new book Braindead Megaphone this weekend.  I love George Saunders. LOVE.  He writes these hilarious essays for the New Yorker – the kind of hilarious that makes you fall out of your seat laughing.  I also enjoyed his book CivilWarLand in Bad Decline, which was a bit of a downer, but still good.  When I was looking for reviews on Amazon I saw that he has an Amazon blog, which, appropriately, is quite funny.  It’s just a little thing on Amazon to promote his book, but his first post is hilarious because he interviews himself and there’s awkwardness.  In another post, he talks about marrying a talking unicorn….I wish my life was more interesting so I could talk about these things happening to me instead of other people.  Sad…Also, he says this:

The whole idea of writing to an unknown and possibly nonexistent audience seems – I don’t know – a little narcissistic.  Kind of mentally ill?  I mean, it’s very similar to what I do, day in and day out, inside my head. 

 How true is this?!  Chuckles has been worried about me ever since I started my blog…at least I think that’s when the worrying started.  Anyhow, I think I use the word hilarious too much and will start replacing it with uproarious and mirthful as the thesaurus suggested unless readers have a better idea.  Maybe I should make up my own word for things that make me giggle and pee a little at the same time…like peegle.    

Fug Madness March 18, 2008

I have no time for work now that Fug Madness has started…make that no time for anything.  They have sucked me into their vortex.  All I think about now is which is worse:  wearing leggings all the time or ugly weaves?  Ugly fur capes or ugly new clothing line?  Weird f’d up hairdo or weird f’d up boho style?  I can’t take the time to brush my hair or nobody knows who I am so why do you care?  It’s taken over my life – somebody rescue me!