Why are people so weird? June 2, 2008

There was a funny story from our trip to Chelan that I somehow failed to share. Shame on me! But don’t you fret because I will share it with you now. Right this second. On Saturday the plan was to go to a fancy winery party in the afternoon and drink lots of free wine. Well, not lots, some of it cost money. But the party didn’t start until the afternoon so we before that L stated that Chuckles and I needed to go to a certain winery there so we could fully understand their jokes about the winery. The first item on L’s list to make lots and lots of fun of was the bathrooms so she and I made a beeline for the atrocity. I think the winery’s goal was to overwhelm people with Tuscany like decorating so they would be confused and not leave because they weren’t sure where they were. Or maybe they just loved kitschy touristy shit. That’s probably it. So to bathroom is completely over the top. I can’t put it into words. It just is. I mean…there was a pot of fake sunflowers that looked dead. It was horrible. But I’m going off topic. We went into the bathroom and L pushed in the door on the farthest stall and as she stepped forward said, “Oh, I’m so sorry, it wouldn’t lock.” She then shot me a look of utter horror. The woman, who we’ll call Nutjob for convenience, replied as she walked out, “Sorry, I couldn’t get the door to lock.” L had me test the door and it locked perfectly. As we were leaving the winery (we only checked out the bathrooms…no icky wine) I pointed L’s new friend out to her. L then did an impression of Nutjob when she walked in on her. From this impression we learned that, apparently, Nutjob had her back to the door facing the toilet as she pulled her pants up. Why? Did she want somebody to walk in on her and get a good look at her bum? Was she squatted over like that for minutes as she waited for an unsuspecting victim to walk in? Or was she checking out her business? And if that’s the case, why would Nutjob leisurely check out her business when she is fully aware the door is unlocked? Tell me what you think she was up to!! Enlighten me.

Fun and Games Time! May 29, 2008

I wrote the following post a while ago in preparation for a day when I was feeling lazy and it turns out that that day is TODAY! I know, I know, this is too exciting for words. So this is a game I have stolen from other bloggers…I hope I don’t get caught by the interwebs coppers. I’ve heard they’re scary…Sooooo, the following are movie quotes from some of my favorite movies.  It shouldn’t be that hard…in fact now that I’m looking at it again I think it might be too easy, but I am too flipping lazy to do anything about it. It should be pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll explain it for my dumb readers: Guess what movie it’s from. It shouldn’t really be a guess - you should be 100% certain. Enter the answer in the comments section. I know it would be soooo easy to guess all of them at once, but only answer one - pretty please? Can you be nice just this once?

 

1. “Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!”

 

2.  “I’ve got to do something about the way I look. I mean a girl just can’t go to Sing Sing with a green face.”

 

3. “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”

 

4. “The marijuana goes in the top drawer. The cocaine and speed go in the second drawer. And the heroin goes in the bottom drawer. Always separate the drugs.”

 

5. “Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I’d nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.”

 

6. “How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?”

 

7. “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.”

 

8. “I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew, didn’t you? Oh, it’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it?”

 

9. “I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my squishy. Come on, squishy. Come on, little squishy.”

 

10. “No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”

 

So go to it!

Pole dancing - family activity? May 7, 2008

When I started the day out I thought I would post about my biggest fear: Spiders. I thought the world needed me to educate them on the secret powers of spiders and how there truly is reason to be afraid of them. But that will have to wait for another day because I found an article about how a new Pole Dancing Wii game is being developed. Of course I shared this link with Chuckles and we talked about the possibility of me buying this as a birthday present for my mom. This immediately led to thoughts of playing it as a family (like we do with all wii games) and that was a Bad Thought. Icky. So I completely put the whole thing out of my mind. That is until Chuckles asked if I had watched the video that accompanied the story. My reply was along the lines of: Of course not, pole dancing videos are inappropriate at my office. (It’s not inappropriate at his office - an example of a typical conversation is what do the vibrators the girls use look like.) Plus I already got caught watching a video of Crissy with a strap-on I can’t be watching too many crazy videos! Anyway, Chuckles convinced me that it was absolutely necessary that I take the time to watch. And, boy oh boy, am I glad I did! You know that feeling when laughter just erupts unexpectedly from you? Yep, that’s what happened. So, dear reader, Please watch the video! I was worried that people wouldn’t click the link to watch the video so I’m just uploading it onto here. Also, I think it is quite plausible that this video has already made the rounds because it is often that I am the last one to see these things. But if there’s just one person that I introduce this video to I will be a happy girl. So make me happy!!

 

LOL!!! April 30, 2008

Ummm…I don’t know if anybody has been following the Detroit mayor scandal, but they released the text messages. And even if you have no idea what I’m talking about they’re still pretty damn funny.

I am easily overwhelmed April 30, 2008

I read an interesting post at Toujours Complexe the other day. It was about how she was just blogging for her mom and she was going to stop worrying about marketing herself. It totally hit home for me - I feel this pressure to post something every day and that it has to be funny (and I’m not really a funny person - so you can imagine the pressure I feel from trying to pull jokes out of my ass when there’s none there). I don’t know where this pressure is coming from…I mean the whole point of blogging was for me to write whatever the hell I wanted and not give a shit because I don’t personally know the interwebs. And yet, I HATE it when I think I’ve written a boring post. I mean I have other things to worry about, such as how to calculate an RNOA ratio or how to avoid eating that disgusting barbecue lunch my coworkers are planning or when am I going to find time to make more cookies. All much more pressing than this blog that I am writing. Really I just started it as a fling because I thought I had something funny to say about Jeopardy, but beyond that I guess I don’t have much to say. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I have a lot of hateful things to say, but I feel bad when I write them. I just don’t think I can feel good about myself if I write a post about what a horrible mother my co-worker is, but that is what I want to write about. Seriously, though, maybe he didn’t like Superbad because he is ONLY 7 YEARS OLD and maybe you should be grateful for that fact! Also, I don’t think a hunting knife is an appropriate present for a 7 year old. Annnywaaay, my point is that when I started this I didn’t care if people read it, I was just entertaining myself, but then the number of page views started climbing and people started commenting (Gasp!) and they weren’t saying things like, “Pull your pants up Bitch!” (I didn’t understand it, but that was my first ever comment) and I started getting all inexplicably excited and wanting more and more and more. It was like that time I was addicted to crack cocaine. Yes. That bad. Well…maybe not that bad. I’m not willing to give strangers blow jobs for more page views. I’m not that crazy! Really, I’m not - you’ve got to believe me. But, I’m going to try and not care as much, because my humor is a special brand of humor that only a select few very very special people understand. So as my friend’s dad is fond of saying, “Who gives a fuck what other people think?!” Cheers! Just to be clear: I Love that I have readers and comments I’m just not going to stab myself in the eye with a pencil when I can’t think of anything interesting to say.

 

So I wrote this post yesterday afternoon before my dreaded midterm and that part where I said I needed to be worried about how to calculate an RNOA ratio? Fucking right on! But it was good ‘cause I have that one down. But the NOTM ratio and the MTRO ratio? Not so much. I just made that second one up. But that’s how I felt on the midterm: How can the Professor make up ratios for us to calculate?! That Sadist. You know that feeling when you get to a problem and have no idea, absolutely NONE, how to solve it? That feeling where the vomit is on the way up. I did not feel good leaving that test. I am confident I passed, but I am far from confident that I did my best and I am one crazy perfectionist so from now on School is my top priority, NOT losing weight. That was my mistake last week. Although…I have lost like four pounds in the past two weeks and that may not seem like a lot, but it does make me feel like I’m on the right path…New Plan: Both School and Weight-loss will be top priorities and Sleep falls to the bottom of all priorities. Who needs sleep? Am I right or am I right?

 

Spitters are quitters April 14, 2008

Friday night I went to see Chris Rock with Chuckles and a friend of his and, I have to say, he was quite the crack-up.  We had fantastic seats too so I got a really good look at his hot turquoise suit.  Before the show started Chuckles asked me if I thought he would make fun of the whitey because if he did we would have to leave early.  So funny.  Of course, there was a lot of that, but luckily Chuckles didn’t insist on leaving so we stayed to the end of the show, which Chris Rock ended with, “Spitters are quitters.”  Good times.  But, honestly, the funniest part of the night might have actually occurred at dinner.  Funniest because of the absurdity of it.  We went to Johnny Rockets and were just about finished with our dinners when the song Love Shack came on the jukebox.  At this point the staff broke into a choreographed dance, which I can only assume they are required to do for their job.  This was really just uncomfortable, but about thirty seconds into the song several patrons got up and joined in dancing.  I wanted to take a picture because I am afraid no one will believe me, but Chuckles said we had to leave right away.  So you are just going to have to trust me on this one - I was at a restaurant when everybody broke into a  choreographed group dance. 

 

On another note, one of my favorite bloggers Maxie at Break me off a piece of that…Fancy Feast gave me an award!  So sexciting!

 

 

 

Now I can give the award out to five of my favorite bloggers.  Here they are:

 

• Crissy’s page:  I want to be just like her.  That should be enough for you to want to read her blog, but if it isn’t she’s always got great stories about godawful storytime or videos of her throwing poop at her neighbor’s house.  And if that still isn’t enough there’re pictures of her hot ass on her blog.
• Face of the Cookie:  I LOVE Kiala’s page.  Her talk about sticking her head in the oven and making fun of the AIDS is always good for a laugh. 
• Couch Cubicle:  She inspires me to try and be healthier and has good tips.  Also, and this is the most important, she doesn’t make me feel like a bad person for subsisting on a diet of sugar and caffeine
• Toujours Complexe:  A great fashion site.
• A Blog of a Good time:  I live vicariously through Julie’s crazy nights out because I am now too old to go to clubs.  Not really, but I sure as hell act like I’m 80 years old so I might as well be 80.

 

So that’s that.  Enjoy!  And remember: Spitters are quitters.

Speed Harmonization? April 8, 2008

On my way into work this morning I was listening to a radio show as I was stuck in traffic and, ironically, they were talking about the traffic problem that is Seattle.  If the Governor would just give me a call like I asked I could tell her how to fix it:  PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.  It’s sooooo easy.  We live in a city full of hippies and already people are dumping their cars for bikes – imagine how many people would dump their cars for public transit if they COULD!  I would love to take the bus to work and school – but, unfortunately, that is not an option.  But the Governor will not even give me the courtesy of a call and instead Seattle is going to try a European solution (everything in Europe is better – didn’t you know?).  This solution is called speed harmonization.  What happens is they continually change the speed limit on I-5 approaching Seattle because if the speed limit is 35 then there will be no bottlenecks.  Logical isn’t it?  NO, IT IS NOT!  Don’t be stupid!  The problem with Seattle drivers is they don’t understand that you have to speed up to get places faster.  And just in case you were wondering I am not the only one who thinks this – I have heard the same thing from other out-of-towners (I’m not really an out-of-towner, but I am 100% with them in hatred of Seattle drivers).  Anyway, I am somewhat worried about the leadership in this city thinking that this is a good idea.  I’ll tell you what causes a bottleneck – right before you hit Seattle, I-5 goes from 5 lanes to 2 and I genuinely don’t understand why asking people to go slower will help.  Mostly because, and to give them the benefit of the doubt maybe they didn’t notice, people are already going at speeds less than 35 mph.  So, yeah, genius f’ing idea…I’m begging you just give me a subway or BART – ANYTHING but speed harmonization. 

 

On another note, there was something else of interest that I noted on my way into the office this morning.  A poster on the window outside of Tully’s (YES I got coffee this morning, I have NO willpower – tell me how to stop – Please) caught my eye.  Mainly because at first I couldn’t tell if the picture was of a man or a woman.  My second thought was, “OMG it is Sanjaya – what is he up to these days?” (other than having a fan set up in front of him so his hair can fly free in the wind and he can successfully look like the cover of a romance novel…in hair only)  I’ll tell you what he’s up to, after all you did ask, he is performing at the Northshore Performing Arts Center, which is awesome on two levels.  First, my sister just happens to teach at the high school where it is located – I will be calling her today to alert her just in case she is unaware.  Of course, I would go, but Sanjaya makes me feel uncontrollable rage and I’m afraid I might rip off the head of an innocent victim – nobody needs to see that.  Also of interest, the Northshore Performing Arts Center is at Blake Lewis’s rival high school – maybe he’ll show up at the concert!  No, I do not know this because of my stalking abilities, although they are excellent, I know this because I went to high school with Blake Lewis.  I know, so awesome right?  Don’t be jealous…but I also went to elementary, junior high, AND college with him.  And despite going to school with him for 17 years and riding the bus together as little kids we did not say one word to each other…BUT I did say a word or two to another girl I went to HS with who became a playboy playmate.  I feel that this is a better accomplishment because Blake Lewis is going around and saying stupid things like, “Titties in your mouth!”  What does that even mean anyways?

 

 

Screw work - Let’s go eat cotton candy March 31, 2008

I want to go to a water park - NOW!  In other words, if I could transport myself anywhere at this very moment I would go to a water park somewhere where it’s hot (that’s the most important part).  Yay for water slides!  Also, in my little fantasy the transportation process is so magical that I lose 10 pounds on my way there and acquire a hot new bathing suit.  I think it would be polka dotted bikini with little boy shorts that I can finally wear because my legs grew 3 inches on the way there.  It would probably be somewhere in Texas – I remember watching a show on the Travel Channel about the top ten water parks in the country and it seemed like they were all in Texas.  You know how a lot of people backpack around Europe after college?  I was going to tour all the water parks in the country, of course that never happened because I don’t have any money…but one day…So, anyway, the most important part of the water park is that it has an inner tube ride – those are my favorite!!  Also, a wave pool would be nice and greasy food.  Since I lost 10 pounds on my way there I can gorge myself on junk like hot dogs, licorice ropes, slushees, and snow cones.  I could go on forever about the total awesomeness of my genius idea!  Although, on most days if you asked me this same question I would most likely choose New York, Florence, or Paris…but it snowed this weekend.  AND it’s supposed to snow during the Mariner’s first game – this NEVER happens here.  And I do NOT like it.  I’ve tried dressing all summery to set an example for Mother Nature, but she is not paying attention to me – that BI-ATCH.  And I am tired of people telling me to stop calling Mother Nature names because that will only make it worse – well, I have tried everything else and nothing is working!  So that was my little weather rant and my reasoning for wanting to go to Texas and play on water slides like I was a little kid again.  Now that I have gotten that little tantrum out of my system - where would you go right at this minute if you could go anywhere?

Horny Manatees March 26, 2008

Chuckles sent me this story yesterday about a 93 year old getting busted for picking up a hooker.  This is funny enough in and of itself – the headline alone made me laugh out loud:  1 Of 2 93-Year-Olds Charged In Manatee County Sex Sting.  Hi-larious.  However, the fact that it occurred in Manatee county reminded me of another funny website – Hornymanatee.com, which is a brainchild of Conan O’Brien.  That should be enough to convince you of its hilarity.  The first I thing I noticed was that I had missed the live manatee chat – DEAR GOD WHY ME?  But then I saw they had the transcript so while I might not have been able to participate I could at least know what I had missed out on.  All I have to say is Thank you Jesus they had the transcript – it made me laugh out loud.  Here’s a little excerpt to hopefully get a little giggle out of you dear reader:

What’s your safe word for when things get really freaky? -Kirsten

I’ve never experienced “too freaky.” What did you have in mind?I have a safe word for you: Call Me. 

Do you have a mating call? And if so, what does it sound like? - J.Mike

I don’t know if i’d call it a mating call, but when i’m feeling really horny i do make this certain noise. it’s like a cross between a cat purring, a lightly blown trumpet, and bag full of gravel being shaken really, really slowly. imagine that, but even hotter.

 

Happy Hump Day!

The new dream of little girls everywhere…maybe? March 18, 2008

With all the attention that has been paid to Spitzer and his hooker and other “call girls” in the business I think it is possible that there will be an influx of young girls into the prostitution business.  Let me explain myself.  I was watching an interview on the Today show the day after the scandal broke with one of the girls from the Bunny Ranch and she was saying that she loves money and she loves sex – it’s the perfect job!  With all this publicity around high-priced call girls and whatsherface (I should really figure out her name for this post, but I won’t because I’m lazy) girls will think prostitution is easy money – and it’s NOT!  Somebody should tell them it is hard work – all that orgasm faking and so forth.  But, seriously, I think there will be a lot of young women out there who are struggling to support themselves/families and will think this is the easy way out.  Maybe they could even find a rich politician to blackmail.  Even better would be finding a millionaire who will set you up as his mistress.  All the sudden I am reminded of a conversation I had with my friend Mike who said I should be a dancer (and by dancer I mean stripper) because they make a lot of money and that it shouldn’t bother Chuckles because it would be an investment for our future…I’m starting to convince myself that prostitution is easy money and maybe I should do it for my future babies – just long enough to have their college education paid for.  Something to think about…I like how I intended this to be a serious post regarding the dangers of romanticizing prostitution and it turned into a discussion as to why it’s a good idea to whore yourself out.  Hmm. 

Also, I just have a random question for the smart, kind interwebs – is Heather Mills certifiably insane?  I’m just curious.