I am showing great restraint May 30, 2008

It turns out I might have more willpower than I thought. I thought I had ZERO. But the Nordstrom half-yearly sale is going on and the one other than read blogs is shop. I don’t actually buy anything…well at least not too often. I just daydream about how cute I would be if I was rich and how much I hate people with money who have no taste. HATE. Because I have taste and I am generous and I Deserve to have money. You, dear reader, should also want me to have money because then I could quit work and blog ALL the time. Also, because of my generous spirit, I would have give-aways all the time. And I wouldn’t give away crap like a smelly Meganator shirt, but I would give away GOOD stuff. Like wine and trips to Paris and Louboutins to every girl who told me I was pretty. It’s not so much that I am generous as I am not below paying people to read my blog and be my friend. Anyway, like I was saying, I should be made of money, but, unfortunately, I am not. This means that I must control my never-ending urge to buy more clothes and more shoes and more jewelry. I am guessing you all must be feeling so sorry for me right now, but not sorry enough to send me money? So I will show you what I did NOT buy at the sale so you will fully understand how tragic this situation is and send me money so I can be Sartorialist worthy. Even small amounts of money make a difference. If you can only send $100 - I understand.

That’s right! I am STRONG. I Don’t own any of these. Now I am going to go cry.

Fun and Games Time! May 29, 2008

I wrote the following post a while ago in preparation for a day when I was feeling lazy and it turns out that that day is TODAY! I know, I know, this is too exciting for words. So this is a game I have stolen from other bloggers…I hope I don’t get caught by the interwebs coppers. I’ve heard they’re scary…Sooooo, the following are movie quotes from some of my favorite movies.  It shouldn’t be that hard…in fact now that I’m looking at it again I think it might be too easy, but I am too flipping lazy to do anything about it. It should be pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll explain it for my dumb readers: Guess what movie it’s from. It shouldn’t really be a guess - you should be 100% certain. Enter the answer in the comments section. I know it would be soooo easy to guess all of them at once, but only answer one - pretty please? Can you be nice just this once?

 

1. “Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!”

 

2.  “I’ve got to do something about the way I look. I mean a girl just can’t go to Sing Sing with a green face.”

 

3. “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”

 

4. “The marijuana goes in the top drawer. The cocaine and speed go in the second drawer. And the heroin goes in the bottom drawer. Always separate the drugs.”

 

5. “Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I’d nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.”

 

6. “How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?”

 

7. “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.”

 

8. “I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew, didn’t you? Oh, it’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it?”

 

9. “I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my squishy. Come on, squishy. Come on, little squishy.”

 

10. “No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”

 

So go to it!

An update on my enemy May 28, 2008

I was truly in a good mood last night (at one point Chuckles asked me if I was on drugs) - it’s amazing what a relief it is to finally realize that you will, in fact, finish everything on your to do list on time. And let me tell you, it is a damn good thing I was in a good mood last night because if I hadn’t have been I would have had to have words with the Enemy. That’s right - WORDS! When I was telling Chuckles how obnoxious she was he asked if it was a catfight waiting to happen. I replied that it was possible, but there’s only one class left…but she would have no chance against me! Don’t mess with the Meganator! Annnywaayy, at the beginning of class our prof. was talking about this big project we have do next week and I was quietly writing a note to the girl, M, who’s in my group and sits next to me when I turned to give it to her she was looking with disbelief behind me and kind of laughing. I turned around to see the Enemy had stood up from her seat in the middle of lecture to go talk to her group and was standing with her back to the teacher. Of course the teacher just gave her a weird look and went on with what he was saying. But, seriously, whatever she had to say couldn’t wait til the break?! Insane! I imagine she’s the type of person that talks on her phone when she’s in line at the grocery store…and talks really loudly so everybody can hear the conversation because, well, you know, everybody wants to hear about how her bridesmaid had the AUDACITY to put on 15 pounds since she had her dress fitted and what, oh what, is she going to do? The girl kills me…or, I should say, drives me to kill. After she finally sat in her seat (right behind me I might add) she proceeded to start her computer…with the volume up. Then she shut it down. Then she restarted it. Then she typed something very frantically. Then she shut it down again. Then she loudly packed her things and left 45 minutes before class was over. I simply don’t understand people like this - they are completely in their own little world and it is mind-bottling! HAHA…mind-bottling…Anyway, somebody needs to teach her to be aware of the people around her and I don’t plan on it being me, but who knows what antics she’ll be up to next week. Plus after pulling a possible all-nighter next Monday I will NOT be in the mood for the Enemy. Does anybody have any pointers on how to win in a cat fight?

What this weekend was missing May 27, 2008

I hope everybody had as relaxing a Memorial Day weekend as I did. It was 100% what I needed. I am still as unorganized as I was this morning, but I am feeling much more zen about it. Like this morning when I went to eat breakfast and realized I didn’t have any clean cereal bowls instead of thinking about how my day was absolutely ruined I just went with the flow. Rolled with the punches you might say. Or maybe it was just that I was too distracted by my painful sunburn. Either way I am in a good mood despite the fact that I had no breakfast, which is unusual because I am very cranky when I am denied my food. As you have probably deduced from the sunburn comment the weather was very good for us while we were there. I spent a lot of time lounging around in my swimsuit with a glass of wine, a corona, or a margarita by my side, which other people had to buy for me because I forgot my ID at home. Unfortunately, we couldn’t lounge by our hotel’s pool because it was party central. I thought maybe we had stumbled onto an MTV reality show - I just didn’t understand how all these kids could afford to stay at the hotel AND afford all the booze AND drugs…but I guess their parents don’t mind shelling out money for a weekend of partying that can only result in new STD’s. When we checked in there was a table in the office where they had a pile of neon green bracelets and signs that said if you lost your bracelet you would have to shell out $20 for a new one. At first we were very confused and since we had seen all the rowdy college age kids wandering around our first thought was that they were to prove you were 21 years old. But then we learned it was just to prove you were staying at the hotel. If you weren’t wearing one they could kick you off the property. I was very concerned about this because, well, neon green didn’t really match the cute blue sundress I had for the party on Saturday. But I was informed that everybody in town would have one. There were definitely some interesting things going on outside our hotel room, which was a blessing really because it allowed me to do schoolwork while Chuckles chilled on the balcony and waited for one of the many wasted girls to lose a top, which was really just a matter of time. I’m sad to say that never did happen - all he got to witness was the bottoms repeated falling off a super wasted and obnoxious girl with a beer gut the size of which I have never seen on a girl before. She thought it would be a good idea to play tackle football while wearing a bikini that didn’t fit her so well. I think Chuckles was slightly annoyed with her…her ass wasn’t the one he would have chosen to see. The second night wasn’t as loud or crazy as the first night…I’m guessing it was a result of the strong police presence. Really the only thing the first night was missing was these:

I apologize for the mushiness May 23, 2008

Where to start? I really struggled about whether I should write this post or not, for various reasons. But I have been thinking about it since the plane started its descent into Las Vegas and it is something that has been on the back of my mind for the past month. So, without much ado, here’s my story about my last trip to Las Vegas, which was NOT for work. A little over two years ago I went down to Vegas for a girl’s weekend with my two closest girlfriends, Jen and Jo, and some of Jo’s college friends. This was towards the end of March so the NCAA tourney was in full force. Jo and her girls were all HUGE Gonzaga fans and insisted on wearing these shirts that said, “You can’t stop the Stache!” DISGUSTING! But, as it turns out, the Stache was stopped on our flight down. (I can’t even look at that picture it makes me feel so nauseous…) Well, needless to say the girls were DEVASTATED. This meant that the second we got off the plane it was time for Everclear slurpies and a night of hijinks ensued. We went to some bar at the New York New York casino where Jo proceeded to get in a yelling match with some guy who had the audacity to say that the Steelers won the Superbowl fair and square. Jackass. Yes, I am STILL bitter. Anyway, we met some guys and decided to leave because obviously this bar was filled with Assholes. And by assholes I mean steeler fans. This is where things started to get fuzzy…So I’ll just fast forward to 5:00 the next morning when I found myself wandering around a casino with  no idea where my friends had disappeared off to. But no big deal right? It’s Vegas - there’re cabs everywhere - I’ll just hop on a cab back to the hotel. But when I walked outside to get in the taxi line…there was no taxi line and I couldn’t even see the strip - I was in the Middle of Nowhere. It turns out I was just in the middle of old down town, but I did NOT know that at the time. Of course my first instinct was to call my friend Justin and leave him a long voicemail that basically went like this, “JUSTIN! WAKE UP! You have to help me! I don’t know where I am, my friends have disappeared, there’s no cabs, I can’t even see the strip to try and walk there….you’re an expert on getting into trouble in Vegas. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. I’m flipping the fuck out right now!” Of course Justin, who I worked with, went to work and shared the voicemail with my boss…who didn’t find it quite as funny as he did. So he called me at one in the afternoon to make sure I was ok and then make fun of me for a good 30 minutes before I told him I had to go. Since I’m sitting here writing this I am sure (since you are so smart) that you have figured out that I made it home safely. But flying back into Vegas made me remember all of these things…especially since I had to go back to that crazy casino in the middle of nowhere for work. But, what I’m really trying to say here, and can’t seem to get it out is I miss Justin. He died two months later and I’ve already written about this so I won’t go into any detail (mostly because I don’t do too well when I try and talk about it), but this weekend is the two year anniversary and my hands are shaking as I type this so I guess I’ll have to type fast. Here’s what I miss most about Justin:

I miss how you never judged me. I could tell you anything and, more often than not, you would just think it was funny.

I miss shooting the breeze with you at work. I could confide in you and know it wouldn’t be passed on to somebody else.

I miss your passion for karaoke and that you didn’t get the chance to audition for American Idol.

I miss your vanity and all your designer clothes. It made my vanity and shopping addiction pale in comparison.

I miss going to gay bars with you. Gay guys are the best at complimenting and I miss your compliments (you actually had me believing that I had one HOT body).

I miss how excited you got for costume parties…probably because it gave you an excuse to wear a speedo with sequins on it.

I don’t think you quite understood how much it meant to me to have you as a friend. I wish you had told me you needed help and I wish I had had the balls to make you talk to me when I knew you weren’t feeling so great.

Who needs a swimsuit when I can wear a dress? May 20, 2008

I thought I would start packing for my trips this morning before work because that is called being Organized and Practical. Both qualities that my life could use more of. Unfortunately, I became sidetracked while sorting through all the swimsuits that I have collected over the last several years. Which one to bring became the most important decision I have ever faced. Not to mention I couldn’t find any matching parts. As in I found the Purple tankini top, but not the matching bottom. Although I did find the brown bottom with embroidered flowers…but not the top. If I combined the two could I somehow make it into a fashion forward swimsuit and start a new craze? No, that’s as silly as trying to bring legwarmers back. As I was contemplating this dilemma I realized that no matter what swimsuit I bring I have a feeling that the twins might be overexposed…I have never been able to find tops that fit. This is the part of my blog where I inform my devoted readers that I am not exactly proportional. I don’t want to overshare or anything, but my chestal region is bit bigger than it should be. This causes all sorts of problems, mainly involving swimsuits and dresses not fitting right, so more often than not I find myself settling. Luckily this morning, as I was reflecting on how once again a summer of me sporting what I consider to be an overabundance of cleavage was starting, I remembered a news story I saw last year involving a start-up company by a dad who felt like there weren’t any appropriate swimsuits for his home-schooled girls. The company is called Wholesome Wear and I ordered the culottes swimsuit. I made it a rush order and told them that I was going on vacation with heathens and needed to set a good example. I was thinking about getting the skirted swimsuit as well. Thoughts?

Is this annoying? May 19, 2008

I get to complain again about how I have to go out of town and it is too much for me to handle. I leave for Las Vegas on Wednesday for a business trip and fly back late Thursday night only to leave early Friday morning to spend Memorial Day weekend in sunny Chelan with annoying families with obnoxious teenagers wandering around in skimpy bikinis. Gawd, I’m so negative I annoy myself sometimes. Just to clarify: I am REALLY looking forward to Chelan. I’ll be drinking a lot of wine, it’s free because Chuckles’ boss is unbelievably generous, and I get to go out of town, which is imperative. But because of the Vegas trip and class tomorrow night I have to get Everything done today. This caused me to panic slightly on my way into work this morning. To comfort myself I have planned out my entire week and not one minute will be wasted and there is little sleep involved. I also stopped for coffee and a croissant on my way to work because I use food to self-medicate. I think for my diet to be successful I need to find another way to “self-soothe.” OR I simply need to stop over-reacting. Soooo, while I was trying to plan out my 24 hours in Vegas and since I don’t expect to be in meetings non-stop I thought I would try to use my spare time to study as opposed to gambling and the following thought actually crossed my mind: I wonder if there’s a quiet café on the strip where I can study. WHO THE FUCK says that?! I quickly caught myself, but I am slightly worried that, although I stopped myself this time, I might be on an irreversible downhill slide towards super lameness. Now I will have to formulate an action plan to stop the intruding lameness. Just one more thing to add to my list…

 

But this plan will have to be taken care of at a later point in time (dangerous I know, but I have NO choice). Today I must go to the grocery store, pharmacy, library, do laundry, bake cookies, and pack. I’m sure everybody was dying to know my to do list - it’s so fascinating! But the point that I am clumsily trying to make is there is NO time for a pedicure. EEEKKKK! This might seem like it should be on the bottom of my priorities and obviously it is because it isn’t going to get done, but that doesn’t make it unimportant! I’m going on this trip with girls that are all super cute because they have time to work out and naturally have a high metabolism and have lots of money, which equates to designer duds, and I MUST look my best. Otherwise my self-confidence will take a hit and I will hide in a corner and nobody will invite me back. Since I will not be able to sport my bikini because it turns out that Junior is not quite ready to see the light of day and I will be wearing summer clothes that are two seasons old because school loans make shopping impractical and, more importantly, people yell at me when I shop because I am “spending money I don’t have”. See Dad? I do listen! Once again (I can’t seem to make my point without rambling) I can NOT go with paint-chipped toenails. When I realized this fact this morning I started to turn into the HULK. Not really the Hulk, but my version of the Hulk. I don’t actually get really big muscles and tear my clothes OR turn green, but I do get mean and pissy. I was trying to think what my personal version of the Hulk would be called and I finally decided on Sassypants. Shut up - I was too angry to be witty. I know it sounds wussy, but you have to say remember to say it forcefully. So, annnyyywaaayyy, Sassypants is in full force this week and there won’t be much blogging being done by her. Unless of course the group she is meeting with in Vegas is super disorganized and she has nothing to do. I’m not sure why I all the sudden started talking in the third person there. It looks like I might have come down with Mulitple Personality Disorder…hmmmm, this could be an interesting week, assuming, of course, that I crack under the pressure. I’ll keep you updated.

I have lost all ability to say No May 15, 2008

I have this problem where I can’t say no to people. This problem has become more pronounced lately. My theory is that all my free time these days is spent studying so when somebody says, “Hey, want to spend lunch at a lame party supply store and then go to your least favorite restaurant ever, Taco Bell?” I enthusiastically reply, “Hell to the YES!” Because otherwise I’m eating my boring peanut butter sandwich while resisting the temptation to drink the biggest mocha ever and see how many chocolate bars I can eat before I can get sick while writing a five page essay on bullshit trust exercises what makes a good leader. I mean, come on, nasty tacos accompanied with shooting pains in my stomach will win out EVERY TIME. Another example is my new Stitch and Bitch club. I have always wanted to be part of one so when offered the opportunity why in HELL would I say no?! Oh, that’s right, I have zero free time and just adding more to my overbooked schedule makes me flip the fuck out. Everybody should send Chuckles sympathy cards for having to put up with me. The weird thing is even when I don’t like somebody I still say yes when they ask me to do things. For example, the girl from the retreat that was all negative and I don’t know how to smile and didn’t you know little kids are starving in Africa and I am in physical pain so YOU SHOULDN’T BE LAUGHING asked me to join her for coffee before class today. Did I say no? Don’t ask me stupid questions! Of course I said YES because I love to torture myself. Sure I was going to spend that much needed hour catching up on the reading for my finance class, but it will be much better spent sharing coffee with somebody who does not find ANYTHING funny not even the hiv. So my new goal is to learn to say no even if that means that I have to actually spend some quality time doing school work. Gawd, I bore myself sometimes! The true test will be next week when I have to go to Las Vegas next week and am able to say NO to any offers of going to see male strippers, or boozing, or skinny dipping at the hotel pool, or everclear slurpies. I mean, really, I should NOT be consuming everclear slurpies on a business trip. Right? Although, it is Las Vegas - isn’t the whole point of Vegas that anything flies? I’ll let you know if I pass the test when I get back.

This is the part where I offend as many people as I can May 14, 2008

This post will be about my ability to feel hatred for people who are completely undeserving of it. Kiala at Face of the Cookie wrote a post a while ago about how funny AIDS is and it reminded me of this story. Maybe I’ll get a lot of shit for my post just like Kiala did. I hope so! But if you can’t laugh at AIDS what CAN you laugh at? That statement alone should anger at least 20 people. AT LEAST. Annnnywaaay, about a year ago I used to live in Green Lake with my awesome roommate Jeni and we had quite the Blast. Our apartment was ok minus the old appliances and the fact that it was infested with ants. Lots and lots of ants. But it was big and it was in Green Lake and across the street from a cool bar so we put up with the damn ants and the inevitable ant traps that were everywhere. It was also pretty affordable…probably because of the ants. We moved into it almost two years ago to the day - right when the weather was getting sunny. The apartment building across from us had much nicer and Fancier apartments. We’re talking new appliances, huge balconies, and it didn’t look like it was about to fall apart. The apartment also had young girls who just sat on the balcony alternately sunbathing and having parties all while wearing cute clothes and drinking. I hated them. They were ALWAYS there. They didn’t appear to have jobs and could afford an Awesome apartment and lots of booze and fashion-y dresses. So one night to make myself feel better my friend J and I decided they probably had STD’s and that made everything alright. Sure I was overly jealous of their lives, but, hey, I don’t have any STD’s, so THERE! But we couldn’t exactly go around and say things like, “Can you believe the dress that syphilis girl was wearing?!” or “I can’t believe the girl with Crabs has yet another boy stalking her!” So we called them the High Five girls. Totally innocent to anybody who has no idea that in my mind High Five is slang for the AIDS. As in HIV…GET IT?! So now you all know what a horrible person I am.

 

I tried really hard to post this video in this post, but it wouldn’t let me so you’ll just have to click on the link to watch it. I apologize to all you lazy people, but it’s a Family Guy clip so you KNOW it’s worth it: The AIDS Song.

 

 

 

 

All I want is for somebody to stalk me May 13, 2008

I was listening to NPR the other day and they were talking about some book, for the life of me I can’t remember which one because I zoned out about a minute in. But I didn’t zone out because NPR is boring because it is NOT. I zoned out because they were talking about what fictional characters they connected with both and I spent the next 45 minutes of my drive home trying to think of my top five. So here they are, my favorite characters:

1.  Jane Eyre: I LOVE Jane Eyre. I read this book so much the spine fell apart. I love how plain and shy she was and yet she wins the rich bachelor. And not only does the rich bachelor fall for her, but so does the HOT minister. Well, he didn’t technically fall for her, but he was desperate to marry her and that’s the same thing in my book. This was the first romantic book I read that made me think I wouldn’t grow up to be a crazy cat lady. I am enamored of books about people who are overtaken by their love for someone else. I don’t think it is necessary to point out that I am a hopeless romantic…but I am.

 2.  Daisy Fay: I am guessing that not many people know who Daisy Fay is. Well, she is the star of the book Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man by Fannie Flagg. That and she is supposed to be my best friend. How awesome is she you ask? Well, she competed in the Miss America contest in which her Enemy from Junior high was also competing and Daisy greased her batons. Her talent act was a complete disaster. Technically, Daisy didn’t grease her batons, but her friends did! If there is a God and, therefore, a heaven that’s where Daisy and I will do all sorts of crazy things. Also, she’s been through a lot, such as her dad telling her Santa was run over by a bus making Christmas non-existent, but she went on to compete in Miss America because she is strong.

 3.  Anne Shirley/Blythe: To say that I am was obsessed with the Anne of Green Gables series is a drastic understatement. I WANT TO BE HER. I want to be married to Gilbert Blythe and have ten children with him. I want to have red hair. I want to have obnoxious twins with red hair. I want my adopted father to be Matthew. I want to be the smartest person in my class. I want a temper that will cause me to break my slate over another boy’s head. I want to live on Prince Edwards Island. I could go on forever.

 4.  Scarlet O’Hara: Do I really have to explain this one? She’s the bomb. Killer fashion sense. Beautiful with a wealth of knowledge about how to seduce guys. She doesn’t give a shit about other people (not always the greatest thing, but sure worked out well for her). Sure she pined after a guy she couldn’t have and who was all wrong for her forever, but I can look past that.

 5.  Jo March: My favorite of the little women. Probably everybody’s favorite. I have always been unoriginal. But Meg was never any fun, Amy was too snobby, and Beth was too sickly. Jo’s the best. Also, the hunky boy is in love with her. I actually rewrote the end of the story after I first read it so that Jo ended up with Laurie. Amy did NOT deserve him! But I have since come to grips with the true ending and still manage to adore Jo and wish I was more like her.

 

Does anybody else notice the one common factor all these characters have? That they all have men who are obsessed with them…What characters do you connect with?