Fun times at Open Sores April 30, 2008

I haven’t really said anything about Ocean Shores, but we had a really good time there. The weather was great - windy, but sunny so we didn’t care. On our way there we stopped for lunch at our classy state capital and on the bathroom door was this sticker:

We were wondering what kind of apparatus was involved. I was too scared to go in and find out. When we got to our hotel we immediately went down to the beach and had some fun:

I thought I might frame this picture and hang it in my living room.

Later that night Charlie and I went out to a nice dinner, which didn’t go so well for me. I asked what vegetables were in the Pasta Primavera and the waitress did not know, but told me it was VERY good so against my better judgement I ordered it. First problem: there were tomatoes in it. I HATE tomatoes - I think they and all related products are inherently evil and I will not eat anything evil. I’m strong like that. The second problem? The “pesto cream” sauce was really just a TON of olive oil. Icky. I should have ordered the steak like Chuckles did. Anyway when we got back to the room Chuckles poured me a glass of wine to drink while we watched the Awesome movie Bottle Rocket.

Since it was filled to the brim I couldn’t lift it without spilling…so this is what happened:

To conclude: Fun trip.

On another note, I got a manicure on my way home from work today (because I have my priorities straight) and they always have a way of insulting me. Usually it’s my eyebrows: Your eyebrows are very bushy - should we wax them? But today was a new one: You have very hairy arms - let me wax your arms. I said no…and made a note to wear long sleeves next time I get a manicure.

LOL!!! April 30, 2008

Ummm…I don’t know if anybody has been following the Detroit mayor scandal, but they released the text messages. And even if you have no idea what I’m talking about they’re still pretty damn funny.

I am easily overwhelmed April 30, 2008

I read an interesting post at Toujours Complexe the other day. It was about how she was just blogging for her mom and she was going to stop worrying about marketing herself. It totally hit home for me - I feel this pressure to post something every day and that it has to be funny (and I’m not really a funny person - so you can imagine the pressure I feel from trying to pull jokes out of my ass when there’s none there). I don’t know where this pressure is coming from…I mean the whole point of blogging was for me to write whatever the hell I wanted and not give a shit because I don’t personally know the interwebs. And yet, I HATE it when I think I’ve written a boring post. I mean I have other things to worry about, such as how to calculate an RNOA ratio or how to avoid eating that disgusting barbecue lunch my coworkers are planning or when am I going to find time to make more cookies. All much more pressing than this blog that I am writing. Really I just started it as a fling because I thought I had something funny to say about Jeopardy, but beyond that I guess I don’t have much to say. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I have a lot of hateful things to say, but I feel bad when I write them. I just don’t think I can feel good about myself if I write a post about what a horrible mother my co-worker is, but that is what I want to write about. Seriously, though, maybe he didn’t like Superbad because he is ONLY 7 YEARS OLD and maybe you should be grateful for that fact! Also, I don’t think a hunting knife is an appropriate present for a 7 year old. Annnywaaay, my point is that when I started this I didn’t care if people read it, I was just entertaining myself, but then the number of page views started climbing and people started commenting (Gasp!) and they weren’t saying things like, “Pull your pants up Bitch!” (I didn’t understand it, but that was my first ever comment) and I started getting all inexplicably excited and wanting more and more and more. It was like that time I was addicted to crack cocaine. Yes. That bad. Well…maybe not that bad. I’m not willing to give strangers blow jobs for more page views. I’m not that crazy! Really, I’m not - you’ve got to believe me. But, I’m going to try and not care as much, because my humor is a special brand of humor that only a select few very very special people understand. So as my friend’s dad is fond of saying, “Who gives a fuck what other people think?!” Cheers! Just to be clear: I Love that I have readers and comments I’m just not going to stab myself in the eye with a pencil when I can’t think of anything interesting to say.

 

So I wrote this post yesterday afternoon before my dreaded midterm and that part where I said I needed to be worried about how to calculate an RNOA ratio? Fucking right on! But it was good ‘cause I have that one down. But the NOTM ratio and the MTRO ratio? Not so much. I just made that second one up. But that’s how I felt on the midterm: How can the Professor make up ratios for us to calculate?! That Sadist. You know that feeling when you get to a problem and have no idea, absolutely NONE, how to solve it? That feeling where the vomit is on the way up. I did not feel good leaving that test. I am confident I passed, but I am far from confident that I did my best and I am one crazy perfectionist so from now on School is my top priority, NOT losing weight. That was my mistake last week. Although…I have lost like four pounds in the past two weeks and that may not seem like a lot, but it does make me feel like I’m on the right path…New Plan: Both School and Weight-loss will be top priorities and Sleep falls to the bottom of all priorities. Who needs sleep? Am I right or am I right?

 

Me look pretty April 29, 2008

Do you ever have those days where you feel like the universe has it out for you? I’ve been feeling that way lately - like I can do nothing right. But then, this morning, my hair looked really pretty and it still does three hours after styling it! And even though I have a midterm today that I am not completely prepared for the good hair makes up for it. I’m also wearing a really ratty old sweater today because I didn’t have time to unpack and, therefore, was too stressed to put together a cute outfit, but the good hair makes me feel ok with it. In fact the good hair makes me feel alright with the universe - as in its ok that millions of people are starving and dying of AIDS. All I am really saying here is that I am quite vain. I’m really hoping this turns into good hair week. Like I was saying earlier the universe has it out for me and is going to try and push me over the edge throughout the month of May. I am going out of town every weekend except one, I have four papers to write, and twenty pounds to lose. But if I can just have good hair throughout the month I just KNOW I can handle it all - take that Universe! You can’t keep me down! Unless, of course, you make my hair frizzy or my skin breakout, but you didn’t hear me say that. Nope, I am Strong. Hear me Roar! Not really, I am quite weak - you can easily keep me down, but I am not above pity. So all I’m asking is for you to make my life easy because you feel sorry for me. That’s not too much to ask right? Universe? Are you even listening to me?!

 

On another note, our hotel room this weekend had a knife sharpener in it. Odd right?

Please don’t take my booze away April 28, 2008

A conversation over instant message:

 

 

Meg: I finally got some work to do, but I leave in like 5 minutes and….yeah, I’m not gonna do it.

 

Chuckles: I’m going to give you an attitude adjustment tomorrow.

 

Meg: What exactly does that involve?

 

Chuckles:  Well, in your case it’s gonna be painful.

 

Meg: In other people’s cases it’s not painful?

 

Chuckles:  We’re gonna have to start from square one with you.

 

Meg:  But why does it have to be painful in my case?

 

Chuckles: Because I want it to be.

 

Meg:  So as I have more attitude adjustments they’ll get less painful?

 

Chuckles: Let’s hope so.

 

Meg: Can I have some wine prior?

 

Chuckles:  That’s your answer for everything. How sad.

 

Meg: So…are you saying that there will be an intervention tomorrow?

 

Chuckles: Yep. The camera crew will be there by noon, so we’d better set the alarm for you.

 

Meg: Set it early I want to look pretty.

 

Chuckles:  Like 2 a.m.?

 

Meg:  Yep, that should be good.

My fiasco of a night April 24, 2008

Allow me to update you on how my busy night went. First, I dropped the car off and things went Grrrrr-eat! (I’m eating Frosted Flakes right now and they are really good, in fact, you might say Grrrr-eat!) The car place was super fast and I was in and out in under 15 minutes - I took this as a good sign as for how the rest of the night would follow. This was my first mistake. (Do you like that foreshadowing there?)

Then I went and worked out - that went well except for the part where I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but I guess that is supposed to happen. Then I went home and showered and packed - I’m not a very good packer so I’m bringing two duffel bags for 3 days. I don’t even know what’s in there I just started throwing stuff in and I already have a long list of stuff I forgot. Annnywaaay, I then went to drop off my prescription, but forgot my insurance card. No biggie - I’ll just drop it off later. But, little did I know, this would be the first in a long string of mis-steps.

So I went to the store got my ingredients for my cookies, which weren’t really cookies more like rice krispie treats with corn syrup instead of marshmallows with chocolate frosting (Don’t they sound healthy?). I think I was in a daze at the store because I don’t really remember going, but I was definitely there…who knows what I did there, I probably just wandered around and picked up random items while singing to myself.  I shouldn’t be allowed out in public. I manged to get to Chuckles and immediately started making the cookies. And by immediately I mean after watching two hours of TV. I immediately realize I didn’t have enough peanut butter so I ran home and grabbed my peanut butter. I got back and immediately realized that I didn’t have a clean 9×13 pan - the only one I had had brownies in it. I know why am I making cookies when I have brownies? I don’t know so don’t ask. At this point I’m already thinking I wasn’t meant to make these cookies tonight, but I take the brownies out and clean the pan. Now I am ready to go. Finally, when will this night end? I started heating the corn syrup and sugar, things were going well, I’m stirring a lot and trying to overhear what’s going on on Law and Order and then…the oven caught on fire. I SET CHUCKLES’ OVEN ON FIRE. Did you hear me?! I caused a FIRE! Since I’m a really smart girl I took the pan off the burner that had flames erupting from it and then started screaming, “OH MY GOD THE OVEN’S ON FIRE!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! CHUCKLESSSSSSSSSS, HELP ME!” Did I turn the burner off? Don’t be silly, of course not. Don’t fret though, I did finish the sweets, oh, and Chuckles just blew on the flames and they went out - there were a few more hitches along the way, but none of them compare to a kitchen fire so I won’t even bore you with how I bought the wrong chocolate chips and so on. We’re still not sure what it was that caused the fire, but there was something under the burner that is so charred right now we have no idea what it is. But Chuckles assured me that he will take it to the lab to find out because he would like to know what it was that I used to try and burn down his house and kill him with. I’ll let you know when the lab results get back.

Maybe I do need something to take the edge off April 23, 2008

So I’m feeling a little bit overwhelmed this week. I’m going out of town this weekend to Ocean Shores or as Chuckles likes to call it Open Sores. It is just a short little weekend trip, but it doesn’t matter how big of a trip I am going on I always get stressed beforehand. It all stems from the fact that I am a procrastinator. There are so many things that I have to do today that I could have done Monday night or last weekend and, yet, I have to do EVERYTHING today. I would like to blame it on my fattyness and school, but I have to admit I would feel just as overwhelmed back when I was skinny and had more free time than I knew what to do with. It is just somehow wired into me that if I have a vacation coming up than I have to FREAK OUT and make sure that my to do list is so long that it is absolutely impossible to finish everything on it. I have to do everything today because I have my first Leadership class tomorrow after work. I assume this class will teach me how to rule the world…I have this running through my head when I think about it: They’re Pinky and the Brain, Yes, Pinky and the Brain…I’m accepting applications for the position of Pinky. So tomorrow is kaput - a waste of time, a waste of time that will craaawwwlll by where all I will be thinking is: Get Me The Hell Out Of Here. In fact, I would recommend that nobody speak to me because while I will be excited to have Friday off I will be too antsy to hide my true colors so I will be in true bitchtastic mode.

Soooo today I have to take my car in to get its oil changed - the maintenance required light has been on for two months and I waited until I had a road trip to do anything about it because I like to push myself to the edge and see if I can handle it. That’s what makes this blog so interesting - one day you will go to read it and it will be the day I completely lost it and there will be posts involving large bottles of alcohol and hiding in closets and hysterical laughter and lots of pills and broken vases…maybe I’ll even turn into the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons, wouldn’t you like to read her blog? Well, stick with me long enough and you will.

 Soooo after the car is good to go I have to workout because I am fat and I will NOT stand for it anymore. I am taking action! Then I have to make cookies because, really, what kind of roadtrip would it be without cookies? Apparently, this is where my diet will go off course (I’m psychic).

There’s more on the To Do List, but I’m stressing myself out by writing about it. The more I think about it the more tightly wound up I become and before you know it this jibberish will come out of my mouth again. Hold it in Megan, Hold it in….EM LIFT UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK BY MY OFFICE I CAN”T STAND SHUFFLING WALKS. Maybe if I write it I won’t scream it. Yes, yes, this vacation is much needed.

Did I mention I have my first midterm next week and no time to study? Well, I do! And I am working out tonight instead of studying because my fattyness is a higher priority - is that right? I just don’t know anymore, there aren’t enough hours in the day and at some point I lost the ability to prioritize - how do I get that back? Oh, and while you are looking for my prioritizing abilities keep an eye open for my sanity - pretty please?

 Update: So…I am still thinking about Sweet Valley high (I can’t stop, there’s something wrong with me). Anywho, I found this blog dedicated to recapping the Sweet Valley High books - It’s called the Dairi Burger: http://thedairiburger.wordpress.com/ and I love it.

 

I have friends!! April 22, 2008

It’s finally happened - what I’ve dreamed for all my life! I’m part of a club. A book club. I feel like I’ve finally been accepted by society (never mind that these are friends I’ve had since high school). The first book we’re reading is The Worst Hard Time, which will be interesting because my mom tried to read it and couldn’t get more than halfway through because of how depressing it was…I mean, it is about The Depression. But, as has already been proved in this blog, I have an affinity for sad things. My mom’s just a quitter. She also couldn’t finish End of Faith and I had no problem finishing it…probably because I was already disillusioned with the church to begin with. I’m not sure how you can reach the age of 53 and still be a naïve idealist, but my mom managed it - that’s a whole other story that involves her asking my boyfriend if he’d like to see her knobs and not understanding why we were laughing. Annnywho, I suggested the remade (and cheerful) Sweet Valley High books, but that got voted down. (I also have a sneaking suspicion that I was taken seriously…I should never be taken seriously). We’re going to have themed snacks and drinks for every meeting and for this one I am going to suggest moonshine liquor and baked potatoes. Mmmm….my mouth is watering.

 

Please click on the Sweet Valley High link because nobody will believe me that Elizabeth Wakefield is wearing a penthouse key necklace unless they see it for themselves.

 

 

Hot Coffee, Hotter Baristas April 21, 2008

Last weekend we had our one day of sun and warmth. It was a much different weekend than what we encountered this weekend:

 

Anyway, given the weather last weekend we had to capitalize on it so we got up early and went up north to look at the tulip fields. Since I don’t function well if I have to get up before noon on the weekend (and when I say I don’t function well I mean I’ve lost all my motor skills) so I insisted we stop for coffee on our way there. I was thinking Starbuck’s so I could support the corporate machine it has become, but convenience required we stop at Hot Coffee, Hotter Baristas (Chuckles was driving). I have always wondered about these coffee stands popping up everywhere that advertise hot baristas wearing lingerie and even worry about them in the winter months - I mean I hope they have enough space heaters. I also wonder how they can be so successful because they are completely alienating 50% of their customer base…but I guess that many more guys need their morning fix of titties. Anyway, I was curious to see what this barista would look like (although I’m not sure why, it’s not that hard to figure out). But when we got there my little civic was so low and since I was in the passenger seat I couldn’t see anything - it was quite upsetting. But, luckily I have a very generous boyfriend who gave me a play by play: “She’s wearing a mini-skirt from American eagle - I can see the eagle. I can see her underwear. It’s a g-string. It’s pink. Why don’t you ever wear pink underwear?” He got kind of distracted by the underwear. It also got to be somewhat awkward because when she handed my coffee to him she said, “Here you go sweetie.” Me: “Can she not see me?!” Chuckles: “Women can’t resist my charm.” Since I was paying with my credit card I thought she might figure out I was in the car, but she handed it back to Chuckles and once again said, “Here you go sweetie.” Me: “She does realize that it is not your credit card, right? Megan is not a boy’s name. This is problematic - it seems like it would be very easy to commit credit card fraud here. I don’t like it, we’re not coming back.” Although, the coffee was pretty good…but I’ve given up coffee so I am definitely not going back. 

 

I don’t think there are enough sequins April 18, 2008

So I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I made a trip to Value Village - Chuckles likes to look through the t-shirts there. Usually I just look through the books, but this particular Value Village didn’t have much of a selection.  I figured I would take a look through their tops - hopefully find a discarded Banana Republic blouse…or, even better, a Marc Jacobs dress.  Of course, I had no such luck, BUT I did find this…well, I’m not really sure how to describe it.  At first I called it a cape, but I have since decided it is more of a poncho. A sequined poncho. It was only $5 and I didn’t buy it…because I am a moron. But it might still be there…Anyway, I took pictures because I knew my description of it would not do it justice:

 

And the close-up:

 

I was thinking I could wear it for Halloween, but I’m not sure what I would be. Do you think one of the Golden Girls would have worn it? Maybe I could be some sort of superhero with it - whatever I am I think it should involve a martini.