Screw work - Let’s go eat cotton candy March 31, 2008

I want to go to a water park - NOW!  In other words, if I could transport myself anywhere at this very moment I would go to a water park somewhere where it’s hot (that’s the most important part).  Yay for water slides!  Also, in my little fantasy the transportation process is so magical that I lose 10 pounds on my way there and acquire a hot new bathing suit.  I think it would be polka dotted bikini with little boy shorts that I can finally wear because my legs grew 3 inches on the way there.  It would probably be somewhere in Texas – I remember watching a show on the Travel Channel about the top ten water parks in the country and it seemed like they were all in Texas.  You know how a lot of people backpack around Europe after college?  I was going to tour all the water parks in the country, of course that never happened because I don’t have any money…but one day…So, anyway, the most important part of the water park is that it has an inner tube ride – those are my favorite!!  Also, a wave pool would be nice and greasy food.  Since I lost 10 pounds on my way there I can gorge myself on junk like hot dogs, licorice ropes, slushees, and snow cones.  I could go on forever about the total awesomeness of my genius idea!  Although, on most days if you asked me this same question I would most likely choose New York, Florence, or Paris…but it snowed this weekend.  AND it’s supposed to snow during the Mariner’s first game – this NEVER happens here.  And I do NOT like it.  I’ve tried dressing all summery to set an example for Mother Nature, but she is not paying attention to me – that BI-ATCH.  And I am tired of people telling me to stop calling Mother Nature names because that will only make it worse – well, I have tried everything else and nothing is working!  So that was my little weather rant and my reasoning for wanting to go to Texas and play on water slides like I was a little kid again.  Now that I have gotten that little tantrum out of my system - where would you go right at this minute if you could go anywhere?

Teehee - I peegled! March 28, 2008

I’m so excited – I bought a new purse online yesterday!  How cute is it?!  I got it at www.amiciaccessories.com – they have a lot of cute clutches and this one was on sale.  I love how girly the lace makes it, but the orangie-red color makes it so it’s not over the top.  I can’t wait til it’s summer here and I can wear it with a white summer dress, brown gladiator sandals, and a brown belt slung over my waist.  Just as soon as it stops SNOWING here!  Aaaarrgghhh!

Also, talking of exciting things to buy, I am going to buy George Saunders new book Braindead Megaphone this weekend.  I love George Saunders. LOVE.  He writes these hilarious essays for the New Yorker – the kind of hilarious that makes you fall out of your seat laughing.  I also enjoyed his book CivilWarLand in Bad Decline, which was a bit of a downer, but still good.  When I was looking for reviews on Amazon I saw that he has an Amazon blog, which, appropriately, is quite funny.  It’s just a little thing on Amazon to promote his book, but his first post is hilarious because he interviews himself and there’s awkwardness.  In another post, he talks about marrying a talking unicorn….I wish my life was more interesting so I could talk about these things happening to me instead of other people.  Sad…Also, he says this:

The whole idea of writing to an unknown and possibly nonexistent audience seems – I don’t know – a little narcissistic.  Kind of mentally ill?  I mean, it’s very similar to what I do, day in and day out, inside my head. 

 How true is this?!  Chuckles has been worried about me ever since I started my blog…at least I think that’s when the worrying started.  Anyhow, I think I use the word hilarious too much and will start replacing it with uproarious and mirthful as the thesaurus suggested unless readers have a better idea.  Maybe I should make up my own word for things that make me giggle and pee a little at the same time…like peegle.    

Abonement March 27, 2008

Last night I normally would have been watching to see who got evicted from the Big Brother house (I don’t really need to watch it though, because I’m pretty sure it’s Chelsia), but I wasn’t because poor poor Chuckles had to sit courtside at a Sonics game with a client leaving me all by my lonesome.  So I rented Atonement so as to rescue Chuckles from thoughts of suicide if I had forced him to watch it with me, which was the original plan.  Actually, the original plan was to watch it in the theaters, but Chuckles said the ONLY way he would go with me was if I went to the ticket counter and asked for 2 tickets to Abonement please.  And when they corrected me I had to correct them back, “No, I’m pretty sure it’s called Abonement.”  I had to keep up the charade for as long as needed til the ticket person agreed with me and told me I was right - Like I always am!  Since it’s no longer in theaters that was no longer an option *tear*.  So I figured last night was my one and only chance to watch it.   

Horny Manatees March 26, 2008

Chuckles sent me this story yesterday about a 93 year old getting busted for picking up a hooker.  This is funny enough in and of itself – the headline alone made me laugh out loud:  1 Of 2 93-Year-Olds Charged In Manatee County Sex Sting.  Hi-larious.  However, the fact that it occurred in Manatee county reminded me of another funny website – Hornymanatee.com, which is a brainchild of Conan O’Brien.  That should be enough to convince you of its hilarity.  The first I thing I noticed was that I had missed the live manatee chat – DEAR GOD WHY ME?  But then I saw they had the transcript so while I might not have been able to participate I could at least know what I had missed out on.  All I have to say is Thank you Jesus they had the transcript – it made me laugh out loud.  Here’s a little excerpt to hopefully get a little giggle out of you dear reader:

What’s your safe word for when things get really freaky? -Kirsten

I’ve never experienced “too freaky.” What did you have in mind?I have a safe word for you: Call Me. 

Do you have a mating call? And if so, what does it sound like? - J.Mike

I don’t know if i’d call it a mating call, but when i’m feeling really horny i do make this certain noise. it’s like a cross between a cat purring, a lightly blown trumpet, and bag full of gravel being shaken really, really slowly. imagine that, but even hotter.

 

Happy Hump Day!

Water For Elephants March 25, 2008

I just finished the book Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen.  I really enjoyed it.  I’m trying to come up with some sort rating system to make my book posts more interesting.  So far I don’t have much (I’m not a very interesting person), but on a scale of 1 to 5 (5 being the highest) I’d give this book a 4: you look forward to your next chance to read part of it and get caught up in the world the book creates.  I know what you’re thinking – that’s supposed to make it more interesting – WTF?  Give me a break alright!  Anywho…I really did get caught up in this book, which took place in the thirties in a traveling circus.  It made me want to be part of it…albeit a star performer so I always got paid and not married to an abusive husband.  It was a great story and the ending was very heart-warming AND made me feel better about growing old (which is really hard to do – wrinkles scare me).    

I’m your mother and I told you to go ASK! March 24, 2008

I hope everybody had a fabulous Easter.  Mine was just dandy.  I spent the morning with my dad’s family in Bremerton at their country club.  I hadn’t been there for around 10 years and NOTHING changed.  I walked into the bathroom and was like, “Oh, yeah, I remember this place – same wallpaper as when my aunt pierced my ears at Christmas Eve brunch.”  The other thing that hasn’t changed in years? The servers.  My mom pointed that one out to me.  I mentioned it at Easter din din with Chuckles’ family and his mom was convinced that the servers couldn’t have been that old and I was being too hard on them, but I am telling you dear reader – they were averaging 80 years old!  No exaggeration.  I might lie to make it a better story, but my mom wouldn’t – she is too nice!  And she said they were 80 – I was thinking there was a good range of 65 to 95, but definitely an average of 80.  So what made it so funny is the champagne bottles were too heavy for them to carry around, which was really the only reason we noticed at all.  Let me tell you – if you want to piss a member of my family off just be slow in refilling their glasses.  So I didn’t imbibe nearly as much champagne as had been originally intended.  But my mom was really fascinated with this and kept asking me why they were there – like I would know!  She had many theories.  The main theory was that they had retired and ran out of money and now did odd jobs.  My theory was they didn’t have family to spend Easter with and were volunteering at the country club to avert loneliness creeping in.  I was having fun coming up with different crazy reasons why they were there, my favorite: one of the servers was there to wreak vengeance on a fellow great-grandmother in her social circle who had stolen the one eligible bachelor left from right under her nose.  Apparently, simply theorizing about their reasons for being servers at Easter brunch wasn’t enough for my mom – she needed to KNOW.  So the majority of brunch was spent with my mom saying to me, “Go ask – do it!  PLEASE go ask them.  Do it!  PLEASE!  I HAVE to know!  Go ask them!  Do it now!  No?  But I’m your mother!”  Luckily, I’m good at ignoring my mother and continued to eat my bacon followed by gulps of champagne.  Man, I wish that could be my breakfast every morning.   

That’s not a name March 21, 2008

I wasn’t planning on posting anything today because it would have been quite a negative post about how Seattle University wasted my time yesterday.  But I really hate being a Debbie Downer so I’ll restrain myself.   But then Chuckles sent me THIS.  Read it.  You have to scroll down a little to get to the good stuff, but I’m telling you it’s worth it.  Not like scrolling down takes all energy out of you…All I have to say about it is I am Jealous and wish to have this conversation with somebody.     

Words Hurt March 20, 2008

Oops…I had one of those days yesterday.  Where everything was getting on my nerves.  Whenever somebody did so much as walked by my office loudly (and by loudly I mean not tiptoeing), talked a little bit too loudly (not whispering), or do really anything to interrupt the quiet that I apparently needed to be enveloped in I felt the overwhelming need to rip their head off.  This, among other reasons, made me miss my friend Justin more than I can put into words.  Justin and I used to work together and we became really close when we realized we had a common love for booze and trash talk.  Whenever I used to have these days I could just go into Justin’s office and sit there and bullshit with him for hours on end and since everybody loved him nobody got on us about not doing any work.  I could tell him anything without being judged – he would just laugh and say, “oh silly Megan who cares?”  I needed that so much yesterday.  Every morning on my way to work I drive by the church that his memorial service was held at – some days this is tougher than others.  Some mornings I don’t look at it, others I just think, ”I miss Justin,” and then there are mornings like today when I look at it and am transported to that day and can see myself chain-smoking in the parking lot in shell shock.  Justin has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.  I saw this video about a week ago and let me just say that words do hurt and my heart broke a little when I saw it – take a good listen to what Oklahoma Rep. Kern has to say:  

Justin came out to me three new year’s eves ago and took his life exactly 5 months later. People like Kern need to realize that it is not their place to judge – please!  I miss Justin with every ounce of me today and I can’t help but think how different our world would be today if we were more accepting of each other. 

Genuine Panic Attack March 19, 2008

I hate these!  If you’ve never had a panic attack let me try and give you a peek into my world…I can’t breathe.  There you go, that’s it.  I actually do know, for once, why I am having one this morning, but I also know that anything could have set me off – I just felt ever since I woke up this morning that I was on the verge of one.  I also feel like if I don’t start breathing normal soon that I will either burst into loud hiccupping sobs or shrill shrieking.  Obviously, I would choose the crying – I think it’s more socially acceptable.  You know, I could just say, that time of the month (except not really) and go home.  But if you start shrieking in the office people think you’ve lost your marbles – must avoid that at all costs.   

Fug Madness March 18, 2008

I have no time for work now that Fug Madness has started…make that no time for anything.  They have sucked me into their vortex.  All I think about now is which is worse:  wearing leggings all the time or ugly weaves?  Ugly fur capes or ugly new clothing line?  Weird f’d up hairdo or weird f’d up boho style?  I can’t take the time to brush my hair or nobody knows who I am so why do you care?  It’s taken over my life – somebody rescue me!